Upon sitting, I asked our American, English speaking, fully literate waiter what on the menu was gluten-free or if they had a GF menu. His answer?
“Everything on the menu has gluten.”
Me: So even the side of rice?
“Everything has gluten. Rice has gluten so yes that has gluten.”
(understanding this man is either half retarded, rude or illiterate – I asked, “so what can I eat?”
“You can have steamed veggies.” Thanks, you fawking idiot.
He didn’t even know if the Horseradish Caesar had horseradish in it. Seriously, where is the screening process to become a waiter? Shouldn’t you at least know something about the menu??
I took a deep breath, a large gulp of saki and ordered:
Grilled Chilean Sea Bass with a side of grilled veggies, Siracha and olive oil (gluten-free & created by me): Yes, the waiter thought this had gluten also. Just bring me grilled fish, no sauce and get out of my face. Thanks.
My friends got (bless their hearts for dealing with me):
Crispy Ginger Calamari with avocado, green onion emulsion: They were going to order the flourless squid basket (so I could eat it) but obviously our waiter couldn’t tell us what else was in it.
Horseradish Caesar Salad w/ smoked tofu and miso dressing: You call that smoked tofu? Looks more like dehydrated tofu.
Leek Spring Roll with banana vermicelli, ginger and lemon vinaigrette: I mean, Costco makes these also and they give them out as free samples.
Black Bean Seared Salmon w/ Mexican salsa and avocado chunks: I think they need to change the description to “Salmon drowning in a muddy bath of beans and other shit”. When I saw this, I was immediately pleased with my simple order.
On a side note, I was told to check out the bathroom’s since you can look out into the restaurant while taking a piss. What they didn’t tell me was that it was pitch black inside, so good luck seeing anything that a dim candle couldn’t light up. And even better luck if you drop something on the floor. Goodbye MAC lipstick.